How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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