My underwear smells like fireworks.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
