Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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