i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize