I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
