Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
