i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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