I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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