All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
