wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
