why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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