hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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