How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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