Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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