I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
