You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
