I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
