I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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