burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
