I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize