don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
