My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
