Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
