Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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