Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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