When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
