He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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