i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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