when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
