I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
