maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
