when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
