Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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