who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
