I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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