Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
