we have officially lost it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
