I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
