Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just gargled with NyQuil
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
