So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
