my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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