I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
