I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
