haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
