someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
