I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
