I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
