I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
