I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
