this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you traded sex for a burrito?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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