Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
