I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
