i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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