Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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