Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
