So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize