u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
