apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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