you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
