You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
